Our Movie (someday)
So we've got this great idea for a movie. We've brainstormed and squabbled (mostly over who's gonna have the biggest speaking part, who gets to do the coolest stunts, who gets to play the hero at the end...)
-- not that we want you to get the idea that this whole story didn't really happen--
-- which of course it didn't. At least, it hasn't happened yet.
But we've got this whole 10-page movie treatment worked out. It's called "Lolly Beaglesley: Cooking Up Danger!" and it's really a terrific story, but we haven't managed to find the right super-agent / super-producer/ heck, mega-producer! You know what we mean. (And John's fine,for what he does, but we need somebody really big!) We need to find the senior-senior-senior development guy at Disney or Pixar... the guy who gives the final green-light...
You see where we're going with this? It's pretty obvious. We've done all the brainwork. And WE'RE the stars, after all. So all we really need is to find the right power-player to get this thing rolling. (Plus, we've gotta find the young beagle, preferably female, of course, to play Lolly the young cooking phenom we discover at the Illinois State Fair. But that shouldn't be a problem. Cute young beagles are a-dime-a-dozen in Hollywood.)
So if you happen to know of anybody who's a heavy-duty muckety-muck at Disney or Pixar (or even maybe Steven Spielberg, really), we'd be happy to send you a copy of the treatment we've literally slaved over... for ages... or we could "do a meeting," if that would work better. (We're used to airplanes, so flying to "the Coast" for a meeting would be do-able.) Some of us have been literally dying to do a meeting ever since seeing Robert Altman's "The Player."
[We were going to put fake photos of us lounging around the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel here, but we changed our minds, because we're serious here. We really do want to be in the movies.]
-- not that we want you to get the idea that this whole story didn't really happen--
-- which of course it didn't. At least, it hasn't happened yet.
But we've got this whole 10-page movie treatment worked out. It's called "Lolly Beaglesley: Cooking Up Danger!" and it's really a terrific story, but we haven't managed to find the right super-agent / super-producer/ heck, mega-producer! You know what we mean. (And John's fine,for what he does, but we need somebody really big!) We need to find the senior-senior-senior development guy at Disney or Pixar... the guy who gives the final green-light...
You see where we're going with this? It's pretty obvious. We've done all the brainwork. And WE'RE the stars, after all. So all we really need is to find the right power-player to get this thing rolling. (Plus, we've gotta find the young beagle, preferably female, of course, to play Lolly the young cooking phenom we discover at the Illinois State Fair. But that shouldn't be a problem. Cute young beagles are a-dime-a-dozen in Hollywood.)
So if you happen to know of anybody who's a heavy-duty muckety-muck at Disney or Pixar (or even maybe Steven Spielberg, really), we'd be happy to send you a copy of the treatment we've literally slaved over... for ages... or we could "do a meeting," if that would work better. (We're used to airplanes, so flying to "the Coast" for a meeting would be do-able.) Some of us have been literally dying to do a meeting ever since seeing Robert Altman's "The Player."
[We were going to put fake photos of us lounging around the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel here, but we changed our minds, because we're serious here. We really do want to be in the movies.]
So if you could help us out, kinda bring that 6 degrees of separation thing a little closer to 1, we'd be really really really appreciative. We'd even... (gasp)... We'd even be willing to comp you an entire set of Canine Cuisine Team cookbooks-- signed!-- if you could help us catch a break.
It's a really terrific story. We're sure it'll be a blockbuster. (And we don't mean that ironically. Blockbuster Video wasn't our idea.)
We'll just say, by way of a "tease," that the story involves a cute young beagle cooking phenom. Sort of a dog-culinary equivalent of the young Mozart. Whom we discover and convince her to sign on with The Chow Network for a show of her own. And of course moving to the big city to do it...
When all of a sudden the evil TREATS TV Network finds out and kidnaps her! Which leads to all sorts of complications and teeth-gnashing and chase scenes. And maybe there's a romantic angle, too, but she's kinda young for too much of that. Still, this is Hollywood...
Anyway, there's something for everybody, and maybe to make it even better we could have some real hot cooking scenes, and we could maybe have smell-o-rama in the theater so you'd be absolutely drooling...
Plus you'd be crying so much because it's a real tear-jerker at the end, the way the hero (yet to be determined, but it'll probably be Howie) saves the day and everyone gets to go home happy and The Chow Network lives another day--
[Likewise, we were going to put fake photos of us driving around, scouting locations, in this spot. You know: typical funny pictures of dogs with their heads sticking out of car windows, ears flapping in the wind. But then we'd have to photoshop in the streets in Hancock Park and the palm trees and the doorman at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and it probably would've turned out looking all cheesy and everything, so we decided to forget it.]
It's a really terrific story. We're sure it'll be a blockbuster. (And we don't mean that ironically. Blockbuster Video wasn't our idea.)
We'll just say, by way of a "tease," that the story involves a cute young beagle cooking phenom. Sort of a dog-culinary equivalent of the young Mozart. Whom we discover and convince her to sign on with The Chow Network for a show of her own. And of course moving to the big city to do it...
When all of a sudden the evil TREATS TV Network finds out and kidnaps her! Which leads to all sorts of complications and teeth-gnashing and chase scenes. And maybe there's a romantic angle, too, but she's kinda young for too much of that. Still, this is Hollywood...
Anyway, there's something for everybody, and maybe to make it even better we could have some real hot cooking scenes, and we could maybe have smell-o-rama in the theater so you'd be absolutely drooling...
Plus you'd be crying so much because it's a real tear-jerker at the end, the way the hero (yet to be determined, but it'll probably be Howie) saves the day and everyone gets to go home happy and The Chow Network lives another day--
[Likewise, we were going to put fake photos of us driving around, scouting locations, in this spot. You know: typical funny pictures of dogs with their heads sticking out of car windows, ears flapping in the wind. But then we'd have to photoshop in the streets in Hancock Park and the palm trees and the doorman at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and it probably would've turned out looking all cheesy and everything, so we decided to forget it.]
But we're giving too much away. You get the idea. It'll be great. And it's got a real catchy title. Which we're not going to tell you, because you might steal it. (This is Hollywood, after all, and you might even be working for TREATS TV. How do we know?) We'll probably make you sign a non-disclosure agreement. (Or are we the ones who have to sign it? We'll let the lawyers handle that stuff.)
All we need is the right producer. (Boy, is that a cliché, or what?)
So like we said, if you happen to be married to the president of Orion Pictures or Miramax or Warner Brothers and if you could sort-of get the ball rolling, we'd be forever grateful. Really. We'd even come over to your house and cook for your kid's birthday party. (Barnacle Bill does balloon animals, in a pinch... He says that's a pun.)
We'd definitely help cater the victory party after the Oscars. Definitely.
(Dumb question: Would we each get our own Oscar statue thing, or would we have to share just one?)
[And then right here we were going to insert some photos of dogs in formal wear. You get it? Like we were on the red carpet at the Oscars. But we don't have any tuxedos and fancy-dress gowns of our own (and John certainly wouldn't spring for them: he's always bellyaching about the budget as it is), so someone suggested uploading pictures off of Google. You know, pictures of dogs in party hats, dogs in tutus, that sort of thing. But that would raise copyright issues, and as legitimate authors, we don't want to be hypocritical about the intellectual property rights of others, do we? So we figured we'll just have to wait until it really is our turn... And by then we'll be rolling in dough, so we won't have to beg money from John. We'll just mosey down to Rodeo Drive and pick out some cool stuff all by ourselves.]
All we need is the right producer. (Boy, is that a cliché, or what?)
So like we said, if you happen to be married to the president of Orion Pictures or Miramax or Warner Brothers and if you could sort-of get the ball rolling, we'd be forever grateful. Really. We'd even come over to your house and cook for your kid's birthday party. (Barnacle Bill does balloon animals, in a pinch... He says that's a pun.)
We'd definitely help cater the victory party after the Oscars. Definitely.
(Dumb question: Would we each get our own Oscar statue thing, or would we have to share just one?)
[And then right here we were going to insert some photos of dogs in formal wear. You get it? Like we were on the red carpet at the Oscars. But we don't have any tuxedos and fancy-dress gowns of our own (and John certainly wouldn't spring for them: he's always bellyaching about the budget as it is), so someone suggested uploading pictures off of Google. You know, pictures of dogs in party hats, dogs in tutus, that sort of thing. But that would raise copyright issues, and as legitimate authors, we don't want to be hypocritical about the intellectual property rights of others, do we? So we figured we'll just have to wait until it really is our turn... And by then we'll be rolling in dough, so we won't have to beg money from John. We'll just mosey down to Rodeo Drive and pick out some cool stuff all by ourselves.]
So that's the Movie page. Hope you can help us out. Just call John. He'll know what to do.
Now click on another page and see what else we've got for you.
Thanks a million.
The Gang -- Fifi, Butch, Mona Lassie, Terry, Suzie, Bill, Maggie, & Howie
p.s.: We almost forgot: As handsome and stylish as we appear in real life and on camera, we've also thought we might lend our talents to an animated TV series. We've all had enough personal escapades to fill out several seasons' worth of episodes, and we're sure our dashing good looks and flair would "cross over" without a hitch. (And if the usual Saturday-morning kids'-cartoon-show time slots aren't available, we wouldn't be averse to going PRIME TIME.)
So if you're an aspiring animator and dream of winning a few Emmy Awards for original children's programming, let's get together and go pitch the folks at Nickelodeon and The Cartoon Network! They'd at least okay a pilot!
Now click on another page and see what else we've got for you.
Thanks a million.
The Gang -- Fifi, Butch, Mona Lassie, Terry, Suzie, Bill, Maggie, & Howie
p.s.: We almost forgot: As handsome and stylish as we appear in real life and on camera, we've also thought we might lend our talents to an animated TV series. We've all had enough personal escapades to fill out several seasons' worth of episodes, and we're sure our dashing good looks and flair would "cross over" without a hitch. (And if the usual Saturday-morning kids'-cartoon-show time slots aren't available, we wouldn't be averse to going PRIME TIME.)
So if you're an aspiring animator and dream of winning a few Emmy Awards for original children's programming, let's get together and go pitch the folks at Nickelodeon and The Cartoon Network! They'd at least okay a pilot!